08/07/2024
hii! second entry. today my band and i were supposed to have a photoshoot w/ a local photographer we're friends with, but she cancelled at the last minute on account of being sick. i can understand why she cancelled, but it was sincerely frustrating that it was so last-minute. we'd all gathered at my house for a pre-shoot pratice session and were getting dressed/doing hair & make-up when she cancelled. all of us were pretty frustrated, and the bassist & drummer decided to go home. our guitarist (who is one of my best friends) decided to stay 'cuz i made a deal with him that i'd buy him taco bell if he did a liquor run for me (him being 21 and me being 2 months from 20.) i know i probably shouldn't be drinking alone, but honestly i'm at a point where i'm dealing with so much stress from the traumatic incident™ i went through recently and the fact that i'm moving across the country in like... maybe a week and a half?
the idea of moving is both exhilarating and horrifing, and i guess i didn't realize how stressful it is until i was about 3 shots deep (currently riding on a nice 5 shots.) that's kind of why i decided to write today. i'm so stressed about experiencing something completely and utterly foreign (pun intended) to me & knowing that i'll be alone for it. i have loved ones i can talk to back home, but it's not the same as knowing they're only a short drive away if i'm in a time of crisis. i'm searching for any kind of distraction i can just to keep myself afloat. i packed my schedule with a going away/early birthday party, performances, and hanging out with my friends, so now i barely have time to actually finish up the things i have to do before i leave for ireland (i.e. finish packing, clean my room completetely, etc.) because i don't want to waste a second of the time i have left in my hometown. i know this is something i decided to do on my own, but amid the excitement of it all i cant help but regret it just a little. i didn't process the amount of anxiety i'd be loading onto my already wrecked nervous system.
this whole thing has made me understand my ex a little bit more. he left our hometown completely on his own (i was still with him for a long time during that period) and only broke up with me when he was leaving the town he moved to to go somewhere else. i guess the stress of it all was something he either repressed or never had time to process, and when it happened again he just couldn't handle all of it. i always thought our breakup was a result of a mental breakdown on his part, and now i really really think i'm right.
i also still haven't processed the traumatic incident™ i recently experienced recently and have absolutely no idea how or when i'm supposed to do that. when one of your friends gets drunk, forcefully ignores your physical boundaries, and then cuts contact with you completely, what options are there for moving on? she's still so close to a lot of my friends, none of whom know (to my knowledge) what happened that night, that i don't feel like i can tell them anything, nor do i think it's beneficial to. in short, it's just a complete and utter shitshow. i wish nothing had ever happened and that i'd decided to go home that night instead of drinking and staying over. i know it's not my fault, but there's no amount of telling myself that will make the guilt go away.
regardless of all the shit that's happened, i know i'll survive and come out the other side of all of this so much stronger and wiser. i've survived much worse than what i've been through in the past few months. this year has been the bad year to end all bad years, and i'm hoping that when i open this new chapter of my life i'll come to a new understanding of what i want out of life and how to handle all the challenges it presents me with.
forever yours,
willow