08/08/2024
ugh.... it's almost 3am and im like... unable to let myself sleep? it's not that i'm not tired or can't sleep, it's just that i'm drunk and don't want to. maybe it's that i'm drunk and don't wanna sleep, maybe it's... whatever else? i really don't know. i just don't wanna sleep. that's why i'm writing this blog post i guess. i'll probably end up overusing this whole blog function i've set up, but who knows. at least for now, i'm content in overusing it. it gets out the need to express how i feel publicly as opposed to privately in the actual physical diary that i keep.
i still feel axious, except this time i'm like... less than 1/4th of a handle of rum deep? i drink AND swear like a sailor (neither are good quailities, but both i'm alright keeping.) i feel this kind of insatiable need to have how i feel be recognized publicly, or at least by people i care for, so i guess this blog is a way of doing that. i wonder if i should make the blog (or even poetry) section of this blog password protected, but then what's the point? also, sorry if there are any typos in this post, i'm definitely not checking for them before i post on account of my drunkenness.
i have a lot to do tomorrow, or technically today, seeing as it's about 2:40am, but i don't really care. my sense of time has been skewed by how close my upcoming move is, i guess. ugh. i don't know. since my last breakup it's been difficult for me to have big emotions without telling somebody, and all of my friends are asleep, so you, my dear blog readers, get to read all of my feelings. i have a therapy session (i haven't seen her since i started this little blog) and then i'm hanging out with some friends i had in high/middle school, one of which has since moved states. they're back in my hometown, so i'm glad that i have the opportunity to see them since my annual drive to their (new) state has been changed because of this stupid upcoming super exciting but awful move!!!!! regardless of my feelings, tomorrow (or today.... ugh. being up late takes a toll on me...) should be a good day. every time is ee my therapist i feel worlds better, i just haven't seen her in a matter of weeks, which is kind of ridiculous considering the stress i've been under.
i feel this incessant need to stay up and i can't place why. i think it's because i really, really want someone to message me, or just show that they care enough to stay up and be with me the way my ex did. he was so great in so many ways, but every day i'm not with him, i realize our relationship was build on a foundation of fantasy (that i created.) he was there, sure, but attentive? legitimately caring? willing to sacracifce the way i was? never. i just wish someone was there. god... a part of me thinks im getting too personal on this blog but the rest of my just doesn't care. anyone willing to dive deep enough to read all this shit has gotta be willing to read all the unimportant, emotional shit that i post. if you're here, reading this, godpeed to you. i have no idea why any of this interests you, but in a weird, attention-seeking way, i'm glad it does. aren't we all attention seeking though by making these webssites? we want someone to look at them and say "hey, look at that, that's amazing! this person did this truly amazing thing" or, "wow.... i feel terrible for them. i hope they get better" but what good does that really do us? that won't change how we feel. those people aren't going to message or call us and say "hey, i love you, are you doing okay? i just wanted to check in."
and that's okay, i guess, i just... bleh. whatever. i wanted to scream my feelings out into the void, and that's exactly what i did. if the past two days are any indication of how i'm going to be on my study abroad, i'll be absolutely flooding this page with entries.
well, i'm probably going to take another shot and go to bed. it's been a long, emotional night, but i know that won't dispel me from drinking again. god knows even my worst, most traumatic nights have not dispeled me from it. so, again, if you're reading this, i hope you have a good rest of your day/night, and thanks for reading. hope this was entertaining even a little bit. i'm happy to use my borderline k-pop drama level life to spice up whatever you've got going on. god knows there is no shortage of wild stories coming from me. hopefully there will be something more fun coming your way tomorrow afternoon.
forever yours,
willow