08/09/2024
hi stinkers and stinkettes. i'm a little drunk and here for some self reflection, as per usual. this has 100% replaced my spam instagram/my physical diary. i have been thinking lots about how every person in my life who has had an intimate relationship with me turns me into a manic pixie dreamgirl. im totally incapable of escaping it! i wish i was able to have relationships (romantic) with people who didn't place me on a pedestal and then use me as a tool for self improvement at the expense of my own happiness. there's no way to describe exactly how it feels to be treated like an object the way i have been.
i know this is a public blog and i probably shouldn't get so intimate with the things i'm talking about, but a big part of me honestly doesn't care about getting personal and honest about everything i've talked about. this blog is definitely an "enter at your own risk" type situation. i'm blogging a lot because it's easier for me to scream out into the void with the hope of somebody seeing it than it is to scream into the void knowing nobody will be there to witness it. sure, some thoughts are best expressed privately, but a lot of these things are subjects many people have experienced and been too caught up in social taboos to express. the fear of looking weak or manipulatable is one that plagues a lot of people i know who also have BPD or PTSD (shit i struggle with on a daily basis,) and i'n a person who doesn't care so much about expressing how i feel on the metaphorical stage. there is no part of me that feels shame about expressing my pain. i've been shaamed too much to feel bad about it anymore.
i suppose i've always felt a desire to be perceived on a public scale. that's why my dreams in life are to be well known as either a poet or a musician (god willing) and to tell the world about the things i feel openly, without shame or repose. i want to know that someone out there hears me, against all the odds. that despite the billions of people out there, someone is listening, somebody cares, somebody is here for me. i have a friend (who i know reads this blog, or at least did upon my publication of it,) that i'll call L for the sake of privacy. they're someone i've known for years and someone who has been there for me through literally everything i've been through, neglecting to mention the period of time i was in an abusive, friendship isolating relationship. i'm eternally grateful for their friendship, and would take a literal bullet to preserve just our friendship, but some part of me always wants more. why am i not satisfied with the love that i have?
i suppose that's what this whole blog is about, not feeling satisfied with the love that we have. there's nothing on this earth that fills the void of romantic love (for me) for more than a moment. i know that L, my best friend, has priorities that don't involve me, and i have to be okay with that. my last ex, i'll call him Sawyer (for sake of simplicity,) never had the capacity to put me first. i was never placed before his future career, or his so called 'freedom'. i expressed insecurity about never being the first priority in somebody's life to him, and there was nothing he could do to change that fact. i simply wasn't his #1. so what does it take to get there? why am i not happy being #2? surely it's enough being on the top 10 list, isn't it?
god, who knows... i wish i had some sense of understanding with all this, but i don't. i suppose i have to just be okay with that. i don't expect to be someone's #1 (at least until i'm their wife) because i'm not anybody's sister or mother or whatever. there's no blood bond or unwavering connection i have with a person that would make me the most important person in their life, the way my lovers are to me. being on only child must have done a number on me. i am very happy with the love that L and other close friends of mine give to me, but i still struggle to feel satisfied with that while not satisfying my need for romantic love. does that make sense? who cares if it does. it makes enough sense to me.
regardless of whether it makes sense, i know all of this makes perfect sense to me, and that's all that matters. i'll be going to bed now, and hopefully tomorrow you guys won't get an update 'cuz ill be busy partying with the people i love most in the world as a BANGIN last horrah. this has gotta be one for the ages.
forever yours,
willow