08/09/2024
hi again to everyone. i haven't written in a while because ive been settling in in ireland. things are good here in a lot of ways, only bad in a few. ive already come to some realizations about myself that make me a little uncomfortable to say the least. i have always been a 'big fish in a little pond' and i guess now that im not in that little pond anymore im being hit with the realization that really... i'm not that important. at least not to anyone besides myself, and it's my job to take care of myself. it's a weird realization to come to as someone who struggled for a long time with such intense self hate that now being on the other side of the spectrum, i don't even know how to comprehend feeling that way.
i like it here but i also barely know how to take care of myself. i just feel like a flailing little baby who doesn't understand the alphabet much less what it means to be a completely independent human being. my fridge is literally only stocked with wine, chocolate, soy sauce, and leftovers. im embarrassed at myself for feeling so unprepared but at the same time, iknow i shouldn't be ashamed. this is my first time doing anything like this, so of course i wont know what im doing. that doesn't change me feeling like i should know better though, even if that's not true. the standard of perfection i hold myself to is unwavering, even in the proud and gorgeous nation of ireland.
i have therapy tomorrow night and i think that'll be remarkably beneficial. i need it very badly already. i think i have to give myself a lot more grace than i do, i just worry that if i let myself slip occasionally it'll turn into me slipping and sliding all the way down a mountain its taken me years to climb. if i don't hold myself to a standard that's impossible to reach, i'll stop reaching for better. i'll stop working hard and trying to be more than i am at a given moment, and to me thats unacceptable. i have to keep trying to be more. i've been hurt so badly by so many people who never strove to be better than they were the last time someone told them "good job!" and i have convinced myself that in order to be better than them i must destroy myself by setting unattainable goals and chastising myself for ever making a mistake. i still believe that i can reach those goals and be perfect though. i really do. how am i supposed to stop believing that i can do what seems so simple for everybody else? everyone around me manages to be 'perfect,' so why can't i be if i try hard enough?
i have to get dressed for class now, so i'll leave this here. maybe i'll write another entry today or tomorrow, but i don't have time to keep going now. it's raining pretty heavily outside, and the wind is howling. i'm bruised and tired from a night of drinking and not excited to face the weather. alas, i must.
forever yours,
willow