09/01/2024
hello again, it's been a while. probably too long. i've had a lot of stuff happen in a very short period of time, and i've never been good at juggling issues. ive settled in nicely in ireland, it's utterly beautiful here and i've made some good friends already! im lucky in a lot of ways, i have good roommates (though meven more will be coming soon,) good friends, enjoy my early start class, and get to wake up every morning to the most beautiful view of a lake. it's niec here, but that doesn't change the fact that the problems i had when i wasn't here followed me. the other day one of my friends back home called me several times early in the morning for me, which i didn't see until i woke up, and was actively suicidal. i couldn't do anything because of where i am and that feeling of powerlessness was really hard to deal with. there's also the matter of it not being okay that i was the only person they reached out to, knowing i'm in a completely different timezone and very busy generally, when they had several other friends in our group they could also go to. this isn't the first time he's done this to me either, and it's just getting progressively concerning. one of my other friends told me she thinks he's subconsciously punishing me for leaving. i can't say i disagree.
i ended up nearly hooking up with another american in an early start program, didn't because he's a republican, and did hook up with an irish person i met off a dating app. i have such strange sentiments surrounding sex and hookups, i don't know how to emotionally deal with them. i enjoy doing stuff like that, but there's always a sense of lingering disgust after. it's mostly aimed at myself, as i feel like i did something inherently wrong, but i know i didn't. it's almost religious guilt, but i wasn't even raised in the church. i have no idea where it comes from or what it really is/the root of it. i think if i figure that out i can determine whether that's something i want to do at all. i do have an entirely different romantic situation going on currently, which i won't write much about because i'm assuming they'll read this. i could be wrong, but i'd rather be safe than sorry.
last night i went out with a group of friends and we went pub crawling. i had a lovely time and ended up breaking off of the group when i made us hit a punk pub and found a group of girls i got along with. they were super nice to me and i stayed with them the rest of the night! they took great care of me, even helping me get home (not without my fair share of cuts and bruises, i was wearing heels.) one of the girls was flirting with my pretty much all night and we made out a few times but that was the end of it. i still don't know how i feel about the whole hookup whatever thing combined with everything else i have going on. it was kind of nice to semi-hook up with a girl though, i never do because i'm absolutely terrified of them and am not sexually experienced with them, so i know it'll be a learning experience (which is scary as fuck!)
i might make another entry today, but i'm really not sure. i said that last time and it took me over a week to sit back down and write again. i just know that i should get some basic cleaning and chores done while i have the time today. i'm planning on working out a little later today and starting progress on my pair history project with my partner. i'm really excited for class tomorrow, i love the routine it provides me and my professor is really entertaining. he's funny and very knowledgable about a lot of small, niche subjects. talking with him/hearing his lectures is always a treat, and i'm lucky to actually want to go in to class tomorrow.
forever yours,
willow